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An apology for what it's worth now... [28 Feb 2010|02:27pm]
[ mood | morose ]

It's been nearly 6 months; and I've thought about you everyday...

For what it's worth; I will try and explain why I did it...

We were very good friends all those years ago; you were breaking up with your husband, my fianceé had just left me...we found each other and everything happened.

You have to know that I loved you very deeply and I still do; but not in the way that you need or either of us deserve. I know that leaving you when I did was about the worst thing I could do; imagine how bad it would have been if I had left it..?

I want you to know that the 'other girl' was only the kick up the ass I needed to get out of the relationship, cold I know. Nothing happened between us while I was with you, after us, she and I had 2 very intense months and then it burnt out. I haven't seen her since Nov and not spoken to her since Dec.

Was the grass greener? The grass was very green but astroturf...in the long run will I be happier? I don't know, but hopefully you can be happier without me.

I think about you and the cats everyday and have nominated a bunch of songs that i reserve for when I think about you and our boys. On the worst nights I drink a bottle of your favourite liquor and watch a slide-show of the few pictures I have of the cats...I get depressed and drink very fast. I do a bottle in about an hour and then pass out. I always make sure I finish the bottle don't know why but I do. Every time I have a drink at home or in a bar I drink a silent toast to you.

I worry about you everyday; should I have left, should I have done it differently? The answers are yes and yes...I couldn't have been a bigger coward if I had tried and for that I have to apologise although I know you wouldn't accept it.

I have truly devastated your life and for that I will never forgive myself; I hope that you find someone who can give you what you want; I wish you every happiness in life now and everyday. I hope I see you one day and I see that your dream comes true...you deserve it and the world needs what you would bring to it.

broke my heart

[06 Mar 2009|10:47am]

I write letters to you in jail. Is this healthy for me?!

broke my heart

[09 Dec 2008|02:59am]

To:  every one of you that came before.

I remember being terrified of you, of how one instant you could be so beautiful and the next you could be a total monster. You always made me feel perfect and amazingly stupid at the same time. I was way too young for all you had for me.  How dare you think you could stick around as long as you have. How dare I, for letting you do so.  I have no words for you anymore.

I remember how naive I was when I met you. How my jacket, always tied around my waist, would  fall down.
We would stop and untangle our hands so I could retie it. One of the sweetest thing you ever did was stand in front of me
and tie it in a double knot, so you wouldn't have to stop holding my hand. Or maybe it was because you didn't want to stop walking.
You never said much, but you always had a smile.

I remember falling so in love with you. How you taught me to love myself, I will never know. It was never about you or you feelings, and it was always so hard to remember that you had any.   I still question to this day if you are capable of having emotions, and if so, does anyone ever get to see them? I deserve to see them.

I remember you. You opened up to me like nobody ever had. I wanted to take care of you so much that it hurt. I wanted all of you in that one instant. I wanted to run away with you and never look back. Turn into someone I always wanted to be. It wasn't love. I loved you so much, but it wasn't love. You indulged me, and that's what I loved.

I remember hurting you. You were the first man I think I ever truly hurt. You forgave me, with that big heart of yours. I love you more than anything. You make me feel safe and warm. I think I take advantage of that. I always did my best to be someone you deserve. I wish I was a person that deserved you. You are my home.

I remember the day I met you. You were such a dear friend. You helped me with the biggest decisions of my life, and I love you for it. You always were there for me, and you never asked for anything in return. Lord knows I would have done anything for you. You were a beautiful man and everyone knew it. We all miss you, Cin.

I remember everything. I remember all the people that didn't really matter. The people that I used, and that used me.
broke my heart

[09 Dec 2008|01:52am]


Derek Wake Up
broke my heart

[04 Dec 2008|12:44pm]

dear ex boyfriend,

for the past 3 days, i havent even missed you.
i havent been sad by the stupid shit youre doing
i havent checked your myspace JUST to make sure it still says "single" which i know damn well it will
i havent thought about how to figure everything out for you - so we could make this work
and last night, for the first time,
i had one dream about you, and the other about another boy
the one with you, you annoyed me, i didnt trust you, and frankly i kept the laptop on your side of the bed so you wouldnt get in there with me.
i dont know who the other boy was, but i didnt think of you at all while he and i were together.

im so happy that i dont love you any more.
i used to be sad, thinking you wont find anyone good for you on your own, which is why i tried to take you under my wing, but now i realize, youre destined to marry someone like your mother and sister. and they wont let you marry someone like me. it doesnt even bother me anymore. no tight lump in my throat, no tearing up at the past. i dont even miss you as a friend anymore.

how lucky i am to be free of you. and the relationship. and your family.
how lucky i am to have survived this whole experience, because for awhile, i didnt think i would.

youre a good boy, who deserves the best. unfortunately, youll never see that. i can no longer waste time with it.

goodbye :]

your first kiss
your first love
and after we broke up, in your words, your "one great love in life"
1 broke my heart

[27 Nov 2008|11:12pm]

Hey, you.

How have you been? I guess I should know. I mean, we just talked today.

That's the sad part, Nick. I don't know, because ever since 10 months and 10 days ago I have been a complete and total mess.

That was the hardest breakup I've ever been through and after all this time I can't feel it getting better. You left a bigger impact on me than Kody left on Pam, and we both know that's saying something.

I just wanted to tell you I still care.

broke my heart

[03 Nov 2008|11:34am]

What was I thinking? Being around you is like someone in AA swaggering into their favorite bar and saying 'Look at me! I'm sober! No way anything will make me drink! I'm too strong for that!'

Now, you once again have the upperhand and I'm alone.

1 broke my heart

many emotions...venting [02 Oct 2008|02:15pm]

I usually post about my ED but right now I suppose I'm more caught up in the weight of my heart. I met this guy 3 years ago but we began dating around the 4th of July. We started out be really really good friends. I believe we sometimes see someone and want there to be a connection so badly that we sort of make it happen but tell ourselves it was natural. This guy (we'll call him Tom)is a bit older than me and wasn't my ideal kind of guy at first but he became my total buddy. Our relationship was based on trust and respect and on a smaller level still is. Though at the begining I did notice that he only had one friend (besides me)that consisted of 95% of his social life and it had probably been that way for a while. In the back of my mind I kept wondering if the way he at times seemed to be...I guess obsessed it to strong of a word but I would wonder if I was mostly a ticket out of his loneliness but how could I find that out for sure? Anyways about 2 months later he became more comfortable in letting his temper tantrums/way to gain control show. When he would do something I disagreed with and I would say it would try to always get really mad at any tiny thing I disagreed with and try to intimidate me into biting my tongue when I felt he wasn't treating me right or I disagreed. He does this every time we are together. Sometimes he'll drag it out but it seems when he has something to gain than he cuts it short.Though he shows that he has a lot of love for me. I know your probably thinking yeah you just want to believe that but I could tell that he wasn't faking how strongly he felt towards me by the people closest to him. If he really cherishes me why the tantrums that pulls us apart? How can someone do both to someone? Is it b/c he knows I'll keep coming back? Which I think is a strong possibility but if that is the case I still don't get it. I was curious what other people thought about the situation.
broke my heart

[18 Aug 2008|04:20pm]

It's been about a week since you called me to ask if we're 'cool.' As you've probably guessed, we aren't.
I want to make it clear that it's not because I don't love you.I've never meant it more then I do now.
I also want to make it clear that I never thought we were going to get married, or be one of those cutesy couples on facebook who send each other public notes that make me want to vomit. I did, however, think we were in an open relationship, and by relationship I do not mean just friends. You told me you did not believe in monogamy, and I was willing to compromise to keep you in my life. We had discussed this a few months ago, when you told me you didn't consider me a girlfriend, but a 'lover' or a 'partner' was a better term. You also asked me if I wanted to know if you slept with someone else. I said yes. This, obviously, did not happen. This situation is only made more painful by the fact that I stood up for you when others were saying you were untrustworthy, romantically speaking.
I've been going back in my mind to the night almost a year ago when you fell and bruised your back, and you invited me over to go swimming. That night you cried and told me you really cared about me, and that you wanted me in your life as a lover and a friend. You told me you had lied about breaking things off because you had feelings for another woman, and you swore you would always be straight with me from there on out and keep me in the know about how you were feeling regarding our relationship.
The next morning, I asked you if you really meant what you'd said. You had no idea what I was talking about. I'm guessing you were so blacked out drunk you still don't remember anything you said.
If I were smart, I would have left then.
But I trusted you, Noel. I trusted you when you said you wanted things to be different, and that you wanted to change yourself and your life for the better. I trusted you when you said you wanted to be more conscious of the your actions and the feelings of others. I trusted that you would change.
But after that, nothing changed. As usual, I wouldn't hear from you for weeks, and at one point, months. When you called, upset or lonely, I always made time to to talk to you. When you wanted to hang out, I wasn't always available, but again, I made the time. I came to see your shows. I didn't do these things because I felt I HAD to, but because I felt when you care about someone, you take the time to show them. However, I don't feel I was given the same respect. I was not given the respect you'd give to a casual friend, let alone more than that.
I'm willing to take the blame blame for this. Maybe I was too accessible, too easy to rely on. I guess it doesn't matter at this point.
You told me you assumed I was (as you so quaintly put it) 'active' with others. What ever gave you the idea I was like that?! I told you that I loved you, and that I wouldn't judge you for having sex with other girls, as long as you were safe, but I only wanted to be with you. In what part of that did you glean that I was sleeping around?
There was ONE man, and even then it was because I hadn't heard from you in months last winter so I assumed you were through with me. As I was getting ready for a date with him, you called. You told me you missed me, and that you really wanted to see me that night. You were really insistent. You told me (once again) that you wanted to change (keep in better contact, be more considerate of my feelings, etc) and I believed you. That night in January, I broke off the relationship and spent the night in your bed, because I thought we were 'getting back together,' for lack of a better term.
He got married last month. He was a really nice guy, we had no chemistry, but I can't help but think it could have been me.
Even after so much experience told me not to trust you, I did. I told you things I've never told anyone. I believed you had the potential to be someone then you are now. I loved the feeling of lying next to,of being with you, of being able to be naked in all sense of the word and still feel safe. I loved hearing my phone ring at 2 am (god knows why, you had the uncanny ability of calling me when I had to wake up really early the next morning) because it was our thing, our ritual. It made me feel so special.
You told me that I should have expected this, because you'd told me before that you were going to go into AA and be celibate for a year. Noel, in the past year and a half you've told me this 3 times and never, ever gone through with it. So please don't act like you gave me a definitive time line or that I should have been expecting this. At one point, you told me that you would still consider me your girlfriend, even though there would be no sex through the year. Then again, it was the night we were at Helena's house and you were drinking and popping my Valium from your broken toe/finger, so I'm not sure why I actually believed you.
The last thing I want to do is stand in the way of you changing your life for the better. I've always believed that if you mean it when you say you love someone, you want them to be happy, even if it's not with you. But you told me if I really loved you I'd stay friends with you and be your support. So, essentially, I'd spend another year of my life waiting by the phone, hoping that some day I would be as important to you as you are to me.
The fucked up thing is, now more than ever I want to talk to you. There's things I haven't told you that I'm going through because I didn't want to play the 'poor pitiful me' card when you've been having such troubles, but it's taking every last bit of strength not to call you and tell you all is forgiven, I'll be your friend, I'll put aside everything I feel so I can have you in my life.
In the time we've spent together, I've always worried about you. 'I can't refer to Noel as my boyfriend or lover because he'll be mad' 'I can't ask him to meet my parents or even bring them to one of his shows because it'll stress him out and he'll think I'm putting too much pressure on him to be serious.' I took my feelings out of the equation.
It's only been a week, and I really, really miss you. I miss the possibility of hearing from you, be it good or bad. But at the same time, I have to stop looking out for your well being and take care of myself.
Does this help you understand why I feel I can't be friends with you? My trust in you is gone. I don't believe you when you say you love me, and I don't believe you are seeking treatment.
I love you, Noel, I really do. I want, more than anything, to have your arms around me and to feel that amazing feeling of safety and happiness with you, even if it were just once more. Call it immature, selfish, obsessive, it really doesn't matter at this point.
I want you in my life, but I feel like I would only be setting myself up for more hurt and disappointment.
So, in other words, I have no fucking clue what to do where you're concerned.
I love you.
broke my heart

whatever. [16 Aug 2008|12:53pm]

broke my heart

Day 3: Chain smoking, not sleeping, only eating occassionally [14 Aug 2008|11:09pm]

It's been three days since you dumped me. Let's recap:
-This is the SECOND TIME you've dumped me
-You cheated on me
-BUT cheating on me made you realize that you REALLY LOVE ME (Gosh, golly!)
-BUT you've realized that you need to go to AA and not be in a relationship for a year. Despite the fact you've told me this 3 TIMES and have never actually done it, you made it sound like you gave me a definitive timeline.
-AND IF I really love you like I say I do, I'll be willing to stay friends with you and wait a year to see if we're still interested in each other.
-AND IF I really love you like I say I do, I'll be there for you, support you, and talk you out of drinking if you get too depressed. Like I have always done.

You broke my heart once, but I believed your pretty lies about wanting to change and took you back. I was the one who always compromised, never you. I waited and put my life and plans on hold for you. Because I love you, and wanted to prove it. You are the only man I've ever trusted. The only man I could be naked in front of without feeling ashamed of my body. The only man I've ever truly loved.

And now I am pieces of the woman I was only a few days ago, and I have only myself to blame.

You called me and left messages asking if we were 'cool'?

What part of you shattering my trust and leading me on makes you think we're 'cool'?

We will never be 'cool.'

I hope when you call and say you love me and get no response, you suffer. I hope you think of me and feel sick and guilty. I hope that, if nothing else comes out of this, you will know at least one ounce of the hurt I feel right now.

And yet, if you called me and asked me to be your girlfriend again, I know I'd take you back.

So who is the real douchebag here?

On a side note, I sent all your shit to your post office box. My Mom was so freakin' excited our relationship had ended she paid for it to be shipped over night (which cost a pretty penny). I guess that should give me some clue to how we are percieved by others.

I love you. I really, really love, but you shattered me.
For my own sanity, I need you away from me.
I need the chance to move on with my life.
For once, I have to look out for myself instead of you.
1 broke my heart

big black hole's gonna eat me up someday. [14 Aug 2008|06:21pm]

1 broke my heart

Let go of your tears... [13 Aug 2008|02:13am]

[ mood | melancholy ]

This was the crazy angry, stepping-out-of-myself email I sent to Matt, after I found out he had sex with another girl in my sheets, while I was away... I actually found her by chance, on MySpace, after remembering a name and phone number that was written on a piece of paper I found in his pocket when I was doing HIS laundry for him... I sound a little like a maniac, but I'm sure most of you girls will understand... all I did was let lose and say exactly what I wanted to say, in the tone that reflected exactly how I was feeling at the moment... Angry letterCollapse )

broke my heart

alcohol + email + ex-boyfriend = nonsense from a dumbass [13 Aug 2008|01:44am]

[ mood | melancholy ]

I actually sent this drunk email to Matt after I moved out of our apartment, back to my hometown... Third and drunk letterCollapse )

1 broke my heart

Not over it [13 Aug 2008|01:44am]

[ mood | nostalgic ]

Another email I didn't send to Matt, but was going to... SecondCollapse )

broke my heart

Wasn't meant to be... [13 Aug 2008|01:38am]

[ mood | nostalgic ]

Hey, so this is going to be the first in a series of letters to my ex, Matt. He was a tattoo artist, and we broke up 2 years ago. We do not speak at all anymore.. his choice, of course. This is an email I was going to send to him, but didn't.....

FirstCollapse )

broke my heart

dear Tyler, [28 Jul 2008|05:45pm]

the worst part about leaving a long distance relationship is knowing you can't "chance" seeing them around somewhere.
at the movies, mall, park, or anywhere else.
I never went to Baltimore for an entire day before you.
it never interested me.

and I know that even if I did end up driving to Baltimore...
I probably wouldn't see you.
you'd probably be off getting too high to recognize me.
you'd probably be off drinking your mind away.

I don't know what hurt more: loving you or losing you.
broke my heart

[27 Jul 2008|09:51pm]

I know this may annoy some people, but I wanted to let everyone know about the community I made a while ago... The community is essentially the same as this one, only my idea was that people could update letters to their exes whenever they wanted, writing new ones as new feelings came into play. Anyway I wasn't sure if there was an existing community for that purpose but i guess this is it. if anyone wants to check out the community I made, it's pretty small & I'm just trying to get some people interested, the community is called justwanted2say. please & thanks!
broke my heart

[20 Apr 2008|08:37pm]

[ mood | gloomy ]

Dear You,
i don't miss you anymore, i understand that you lied, i understand that more now then ever because even broken up you still lie about me. I realize you're in love with someone else, strangely enough i don't care. I learned a lot being with you but if i could take it all back and have that lesson without ever meeting you, i would. Friends say it hurts so deeply cause i was in love, but i think love is only real when shared and it wasn't shared. I don't proclaim you did not love me in a melodramatic attention seeking way. You simply did not love me. You left a massive wound on my insides an empty abyss, i did everything for you i think thats where i went wrong, you lived your life and i was at home waiting for you. I don't think i'll ever forget the look in your eyes when you said "i used to worry about you wonder where you were when you were out or at class but i don't any more, i thought it was cuz i trusted you but really it's because i don't care about you." I realized at that moment if one man could say that to me how many more could? I feel like you left lasting emotional lacerations on me ones that aren't healing, i don't know if i can ever make myself vulnerable to anyone anymore.You emotionally crippled me, and i know when someone is paralyzed there is always a chance that nerves can regain feeling and what not, but i sincerely doubt i will ever be whole again. So, maybe my task is to make peace with my emotional wheelchair. Friends informed my when your heart gets torn clean it grows back,if it does mine feels permanently deformed.

broke my heart

[20 Apr 2008|05:51pm]

This is the same letter - done in three styles - all of which convey something to be said
to said 'ex'

three strikes, you're outCollapse )

in an unrelated noteCollapse )
broke my heart

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