sep. 9 '06
hey. i'm drunk. yes it seems as though i'm only goning to email you when i'm drunk but no maybe not. its just when people are drunk they dont care what they say and are more willing to say anything i guess. and you say people always tell the truth whent hey are drunk. well you used to say that to me, i dunno if you really think that. anyway i was with my friends today. i got paint all oer my clothes because we painred siobhan's livingroom. we drank beer, we went fot a second beer run and both siobhan and kaitlyn forgot their ID so drunk me had to be the one to buy the beer, which was bad because i was drunk. but the cashier saw my elvis card holder thinger and told me how she went to vegas and saw lots of elvises there and i don't really remember the convo but i know we left with the moosehead and it was all good. have you ever heard dane cook? he's a comedian. apparently he was in Waiting, he was the cook who dropped the steak but in real life he does't really haev all those piercings and shit. anyway caity looooves him so we listened and i laughed my ass off to where i had no more ass left because i laughed that much. caity and i bonded haha. you know her ex-boyfriend's name is matt too. i hung out with him last week when siobhan took me to the bar. anyway her and i bonded over our experiences and such, and a lot of dane cook's little pieces had to do with the truths about guys and girls and relationships and non-relationships. so yeah. then their friend Pat came over, he just sleeps with all different girls all the time so we had discussions about that kinda shit. he seemed like a nice guy. he talked about how he respects girls yet he sleeps with the ones who have low self esteem and all that crap and even takes their virginities. ha yeah, makes sense..... i don't know if i could ever just sleep with some random person for the hell of it, i feel like i'd have to be in love with someone to let them stick their dick in my vagina. but that could just be me. yeah of course i get mad horny like people my age do, but still. and if i did ever just end up sleeping with some random cute guy, i'd probably feel like shit after i realized what i did. you said to me before that you technically cheated on a girl but that your relationship wasn't that serious so it didn't matter. i couldn't really say much to that because i did the same thing once and i don't think i ever tolf anyone about it. when i was with andrew, we didn't have a relaitonship ,it was stupid, and i slept with my ex- boyfriend who i was with before him. i tried to justify it but really i knew i was the crappy person because it still wasn't fair to him. though i wasn't fair to him at all because i fucking moved 3 hours away and never even broke up with him or told him i was moving or anything at all.not to mention i looked forward to getting a ride home with you every night more than even seeing him while i was still with him. i still haven't talked to him since 2 Aprils ago, the last time we hung out. see, i am a crappy person sometimes too. sometimes when i get drunk and email other ex-boyfriends and talk about how hurting people is bad but it happens, i realize this. aka right now. i'm just typing. being drunk and having internet access is dangerous for me. you know for the past 2 weeks i have been listening to musci that reminds me of you. all i want to do is forget i ever loved you and that i still care about you, yet at the same time i make myself listen to themost torturous music ever. its because i still love that music, and yes it makes me think of you but a very slight part of me wants to still think of you and remember how amazing it was to be able to share part of my life with you. you think i'm a carazy broad who won't give up, and matthew i know this, but, you changed my life in a way. well you affected me ya see, in a way that no one has ever before. you simply did thta by being you. i've never met anyone as "dynamic" as yourself. meaning i've never met someone whocan be as mature and "old" and know as much of what they want as you, yet still be able to have fun by doing crazy immature shit, like blowing things up or walking around naked or making their stuffed animals talk and make their girlfriend forget its not really the animals hahaha..... blahblah lbah haha i'm real happy right now! i dont like to get drunk by mtself but gettting drunk with friends and then coming home and being drunk alone is okay, haha. ans yes it is 11:30 and i'm already wasted and back home, but its only because we started drinking before supper, you know how it is. anyway so umm i have been listening to the cure and ben weasel and screeching weasel and rancid and down by law lately. Je t'aime the song The Rays of The Sun its a nice song. so is the whole FIdatevi album, i'm glad i listened to it with you before and then borrowed it when i came here a while ago. sometimes things aren't as good as they look, sometimes they are just what they are. my friend Mark from saskatchewan who recently moved to ottawa is so nice, he cheers me up. and my friends made me feel special tonight. siobhan is hooking me up with a job at wal-mart! hahaha i know, no excitement there, nothing special to people like you who have famous lifestyle type careers which make all the girls swoon, but its good for me because there's friends to be made there and more than minimum wage for once! haha.
Matt, i am very attracted to you in the physical type way, moreso when i am drunk. sometimes even though i know i can't have anything special i sometimes just think of you in that way that you have thought of most girls in yourlife. is that a bad thing? i say how your lifestyle of just wanting sex is a bad thing but really of course i get those kinds of feelings too i just never act on them by sleeping with random people. i think the misfits are hot. i don't like to build up a guy's ego more and more, but right now i'm drunk i don't care. you werepretty sexy i'll admit it. "we are 138" i like that song. i'm sorry for being so inappropriate at the moment, haha. i wish you were really ugly or something the last time i saw you so that i could try and keep that memory in my head and not be thinking about how i want to fuck you sometimes. blaaaah. i think i'll save this message so i can read what an ass i made of myself by sending this to you because i know i'll send it, unlike other emails i have written you but trashed instead of sending. "boys don't cry."
"for the wisdom that you choose to share, for the words you've spoken with such care, like the rays of the sun breaking through the clouds.. i give thanks, i give thanks to you......... for your patience and your gentlelness you've inspired so much confidence, like the sun breaking through the clouds, i give thanks, i give thanks to you.." (i dont know id all those lyrics are right i just put them how i hear them in the song, you would know them better than me)
i do believe you're a good guy. you showed me. YOU COOKED FOR ME and always provided me with whatever i wanted. likw mushrooms and whiskey. and hugs. thanks matthew, though i don't miss you for what you bought me or did for me i only ever miss you because.... i gapped out... because you loved me no matter how much of an idiot i was and because... of many other things like you said i was gorgeous and no one ever had before and still hasn't other than you. blah blah blah i don't know anymroe!
i gotta go, but i told you i was sending this so i am even though it wouldn't matter if i didn't because then you wouldn't even know that i said i was going to send it because i didn't send it and you didn't read that, haaaaa.
sorry, i'm not always this retarded. blah!
i'll leave ya alone now, i should pass out, haha (it's like 12:30 haha that's sad... and also sad because it took like an hour to type this and i don't even remember what half of it says. but partly because i was talking to mark. but yeah)
goodnight Matthew, give your Pluto a hug for me because even though i know he isn't even a "he" nad he's just a stuffed puppet, i still miss him, and yeah that doesn't help my argument that i'm not crazy, haha, but still. even just hug him for yourself, i don't care. just hug him, if he were real he seems like he would be the kind of dog that needed a hug or something.
"you are (were) my sunshine"