mallory (friendofyours) wrote in notes_2_my_ex,

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Wasn't meant to be...

Hey, so this is going to be the first in a series of letters to my ex, Matt. He was a tattoo artist, and we broke up 2 years ago. We do not speak at all anymore.. his choice, of course. This is an email I was going to send to him, but didn't.....

aug. 28 '06

hey so i am in this predicament and no one is any help when i try to figure out how to get out of it. so i'm going to tell you this.

i miss you. i feel like i am always going to miss you in general, but people do often say things about the future and then find out later that their minds can change easily and they look back and wonder why they ever thought that in the first place. anyway. my predicament. like i've said, i can't seem to get away from anything that has to do with you. or even sometimes it's my own fault because i find myself clicking things and then boom there's a whole bunch of pictures of you. it's bittersweet though. whenever i see pictures of you, what i think of is how i just wish you were really in front of me. if i could ask for anything and get it right now, i'd just want to be able to give you a hug. not make out with you, not have sex with you, not marry you. just a hug. and i know it's horrible, especially to tell you, because you get sick of hearing things like that from me now. so, what i could do is try to erase everything about you from my life (or try as hard as i can) and then i wouldn't always be thinking of you at some point. but i don't hate you, and i don't want to make myself hate you, and i would have to, to be able to erase everything. i want to keep all the pictures and notes and letters and objects so that i have them and can look back on one of the greatest periods of my life. but if they're there, they'll always make me think of you, which has been torture for a while, of course. soooo you can see the predicament now. what do i do??? it's a toughy. i really don't know, it drives me crazy. what have you done in a situation like this? or have you been in a situation like this? i know i have been in this situation a couple of times, but the phenomenon of it is that this is quite different, it is not as simple as the rest. my heart won't give up on you, even when i yell at it and try forcefully to make it stop.. i tell it how stupid it's being! my brain knows that there is no going back, because that's how people are and life is. but my heart, it's being stubborn, and dumb! but you see, it's not the memories of the relationship that has this much power exactly, it's the type of person i knew you to be and how different you are than anyone i've met. my heart's not willing to let go of someone like that without a major fight. other friends or girls or whatever seem to have let you go so easily, like you're just another person. why am i different? do i see you differently than everyone else to that extreme? because i thought i saw you differently before, when i was willing to let myself fall in love with you even after everything i knew about you through other people. but now, i still see you differently. why can't i just let you go? WHYYYY?! i do not know. and i even keep bothering you like this even though i know how dangerous it could be each time. it's like i don't believe myself when i try to tell myself i'm going to screw things up majorly. even though the chances are so high, i don't seem to be listening to my brain anymore when it comes to you, my fuckin heart takes over. blah. i'm afraid of the inevitable. i can't lose you completely from my life. think of how much you have taught me and still teach me. you were my best friend! have you ever lost a girlfriend and best friend at the exact same time?? yeah, it's not so good. not to mention, i lost pluto as well. you made it possible for me to miss a 20-something-year-old stuffed dog!!!! but that's because without you, there is no pluto. anyway. that brings me to something else i had on the brain. you told me before that you act way older than me. i don't think it's very true. for one, most people as old as you say you only act, don't give their stuffed animals personalities and act things out with them. people your actual age, maybe. but anyway, no there's nothing wrong about it, just a point i'm making, haha. what i enjoyed about you, and why you're different to me than anyone else i've had in my life, is your age. guys the same age as me are more immature, because apparently guys mature slower than girls? i dunno. but because you are older than me, you felt closer to my age. you could still be quite immature, but always mature at the right times. in a way i don't think you gave me enough credit when you made that statement about me being too young... i don't know how old the girl who was closest to your age was out of the other girls you dated or did whatever else with, but i know that all the ones i know of have been at least 5 years younger than you. some of them you even had sex with illegally ( and for someone who is apparently strongly for maturity, getting your kicks from using little girls doesn't seem mature at all). anyway. what i know is that 3 years difference isn't that much and you found time a lot to make me feel bad about it, like it was wrong for some reason. but you know that i'm not much younger than you personality wise in reality.

will you stop here and see me on your way to london? please. what's going to happen is you're going to move there and then fall in love with your apprentice and run away with her or something and i will never see you ever again and then i'll be sad because you're one of the greatest friends i knew.
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