||[18 Aug 2008|04:20pm]
It's been about a week since you called me to ask if we're 'cool.' As you've probably guessed, we aren't.
I want to make it clear that it's not because I don't love you.I've never meant it more then I do now.
I also want to make it clear that I never thought we were going to get married, or be one of those cutesy couples on facebook who send each other public notes that make me want to vomit. I did, however, think we were in an open relationship, and by relationship I do not mean just friends. You told me you did not believe in monogamy, and I was willing to compromise to keep you in my life. We had discussed this a few months ago, when you told me you didn't consider me a girlfriend, but a 'lover' or a 'partner' was a better term. You also asked me if I wanted to know if you slept with someone else. I said yes. This, obviously, did not happen. This situation is only made more painful by the fact that I stood up for you when others were saying you were untrustworthy, romantically speaking.
I've been going back in my mind to the night almost a year ago when you fell and bruised your back, and you invited me over to go swimming. That night you cried and told me you really cared about me, and that you wanted me in your life as a lover and a friend. You told me you had lied about breaking things off because you had feelings for another woman, and you swore you would always be straight with me from there on out and keep me in the know about how you were feeling regarding our relationship.
The next morning, I asked you if you really meant what you'd said. You had no idea what I was talking about. I'm guessing you were so blacked out drunk you still don't remember anything you said.
If I were smart, I would have left then.
But I trusted you, Noel. I trusted you when you said you wanted things to be different, and that you wanted to change yourself and your life for the better. I trusted you when you said you wanted to be more conscious of the your actions and the feelings of others. I trusted that you would change.
But after that, nothing changed. As usual, I wouldn't hear from you for weeks, and at one point, months. When you called, upset or lonely, I always made time to to talk to you. When you wanted to hang out, I wasn't always available, but again, I made the time. I came to see your shows. I didn't do these things because I felt I HAD to, but because I felt when you care about someone, you take the time to show them. However, I don't feel I was given the same respect. I was not given the respect you'd give to a casual friend, let alone more than that.
I'm willing to take the blame blame for this. Maybe I was too accessible, too easy to rely on. I guess it doesn't matter at this point.
You told me you assumed I was (as you so quaintly put it) 'active' with others. What ever gave you the idea I was like that?! I told you that I loved you, and that I wouldn't judge you for having sex with other girls, as long as you were safe, but I only wanted to be with you. In what part of that did you glean that I was sleeping around?
There was ONE man, and even then it was because I hadn't heard from you in months last winter so I assumed you were through with me. As I was getting ready for a date with him, you called. You told me you missed me, and that you really wanted to see me that night. You were really insistent. You told me (once again) that you wanted to change (keep in better contact, be more considerate of my feelings, etc) and I believed you. That night in January, I broke off the relationship and spent the night in your bed, because I thought we were 'getting back together,' for lack of a better term.
He got married last month. He was a really nice guy, we had no chemistry, but I can't help but think it could have been me.
Even after so much experience told me not to trust you, I did. I told you things I've never told anyone. I believed you had the potential to be someone then you are now. I loved the feeling of lying next to,of being with you, of being able to be naked in all sense of the word and still feel safe. I loved hearing my phone ring at 2 am (god knows why, you had the uncanny ability of calling me when I had to wake up really early the next morning) because it was our thing, our ritual. It made me feel so special.
You told me that I should have expected this, because you'd told me before that you were going to go into AA and be celibate for a year. Noel, in the past year and a half you've told me this 3 times and never, ever gone through with it. So please don't act like you gave me a definitive time line or that I should have been expecting this. At one point, you told me that you would still consider me your girlfriend, even though there would be no sex through the year. Then again, it was the night we were at Helena's house and you were drinking and popping my Valium from your broken toe/finger, so I'm not sure why I actually believed you.
The last thing I want to do is stand in the way of you changing your life for the better. I've always believed that if you mean it when you say you love someone, you want them to be happy, even if it's not with you. But you told me if I really loved you I'd stay friends with you and be your support. So, essentially, I'd spend another year of my life waiting by the phone, hoping that some day I would be as important to you as you are to me.
The fucked up thing is, now more than ever I want to talk to you. There's things I haven't told you that I'm going through because I didn't want to play the 'poor pitiful me' card when you've been having such troubles, but it's taking every last bit of strength not to call you and tell you all is forgiven, I'll be your friend, I'll put aside everything I feel so I can have you in my life.
In the time we've spent together, I've always worried about you. 'I can't refer to Noel as my boyfriend or lover because he'll be mad' 'I can't ask him to meet my parents or even bring them to one of his shows because it'll stress him out and he'll think I'm putting too much pressure on him to be serious.' I took my feelings out of the equation.
It's only been a week, and I really, really miss you. I miss the possibility of hearing from you, be it good or bad. But at the same time, I have to stop looking out for your well being and take care of myself.
Does this help you understand why I feel I can't be friends with you? My trust in you is gone. I don't believe you when you say you love me, and I don't believe you are seeking treatment.
I love you, Noel, I really do. I want, more than anything, to have your arms around me and to feel that amazing feeling of safety and happiness with you, even if it were just once more. Call it immature, selfish, obsessive, it really doesn't matter at this point.
I want you in my life, but I feel like I would only be setting myself up for more hurt and disappointment.
So, in other words, I have no fucking clue what to do where you're concerned.
I love you.